Francisco de Goya, Los Caprichos

Francisco de Goya, 1797-98: Capricho № 43: El sueño de la razón produce monstruos 

(The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters)

March 30, 1796
Still deaf. Still pathetic - deaf as a post. Dios mio, another sunrise marks 50 years on this earth. It feels like 150. And what's the difference after all? Life is excrement, trying to justify itself. What a joke ... shit that thinks. Oh ... these black dogs. Nothing will chase them away. People tell me I should be thankful, that I have had great fortune ... I feel none of it. I have survived this illness but it took my hearing from me. Should I die now, or in a few years? What could it possibly matter?

Now where in hell did I put that carafe? And what is it about being a little drunk that makes one so desire to retain the feeling? What a farce ... all of it. Those fools who believe that they somehow matter to the king, the court, the world. If we all dropped dead tomorrow, do they think that the world would stop spinning? Idiotas.

Men and women play their games of love, as if that is important, as if they are truly being honest about what they really want. Priests! Now there are some people as pathetic as I am, but shhhh ... mustn't let anyone hear that thought. Oh no no no ... just an excuse to torture and kill some poor sod like me. Shhhh. Ah, here's the carafe after all. That's better. Oops, careful Francisco.

Francisco de Goya, Self Portrait, 1815

Can't even hear the wine pour. Try this ... nope. Broke the glass with the carafe and did not hear that either. What a nice pool of blood ... no, not blood, wine! Who cares? Plenty more glasses. Plenty more wine. And even in deafness that maddening ringing in my ears tortures me. No more music. No more breeze rustling the leaves. No more cows lowing. No more moans of pleasure. Dear God. How can I go on like this? Why have you made living such a capricious struggle?

Capricious. What a melodious word, or is that malodorous? Hmph. Caprice. Capricious fools. Hmmm.

David Newkirk, Crossroads: Caprice for Goya, 2015, acrylic on canvas, 60x48 in.